Vantage point

Thursday, March 06, 2003


Pushkar, Sunil and I had decided to go watch "Mr and Mrs Iyer" today. But for some weird reason the cinema hall changed movies on a thursday instead of the customary friday, and we saw the faces of sons of ex-Chief Ministers of our home state staring at us. We looked around a bit, and finally decided to watch the Tusshar Kapoor starrer "Kuch To Hein", today being its last day.

Now now, disarch...or unarch that eyebrow. I am no fan of the dude, but since we had come to Hazratganj anyway, we decided not to go back without watching a movie. To misquote Crimemaster Gogo, "Khandani movie fan hoon, aaya hoon, kuch to dekh kar jaoonga!". What were the options? There was "Khushi" which I have already seen on VCD and been replused by, and there was this Deshmukh starrer. The reason we chose "Kuch To Hein"(KTH) was that it is apparently one of those wannabe "suspense" movies. I have never, that's right NEVER seen a Hindi "suspense" movie in my life without knowing who the killer/culprit is. So this would be a minor first for me. Sunil also said that the actress in the movies was quite hot, and unless she is killed off at the beginning, our eyes would not complain much.

Unarch those eyebrows again. I am NOT talking of the offspring that came about when Dharmendra and Hema Malini conceived in the vicinity of a nuclear reactor. There must have been some source of mutation closeby, otherwise how can you explain the child of two extremely good looking people turning out so ugly? So Esha Deol is not whom we were looking forward to.

The hot actress was someone named Natasha, who is usually on display in one of Ekta Kapoor's K-marts. I must say she did live up to the expectations. She has a cute-yet-sensuous thing going on, which makes Esha Deol look like a plain jane in if you need comparisons for that.

About the movie, well, we went in expecting a crappy movie, and had decided to enjoy ourselves to the fullest by being as corny as we could. So it was good fun. Tusshar Kapoor was expectedly ugly and he has tremendous screen absence. For some reason, European locales and a Mumbai college (J for Xaviers, apni Suku ka alma mater) have been passed of as Simla.

I can't make out if Ekta Kapoor loves her brother or not. On one hand, she has made this movie for him, putting in a lot of money. On the other hand, they have him baring his chest, and wearing a vest in a song. Now Tusshar ain't Hrithik or Vivek. He should not be baring his torso in a movie song. In an ad campaign for the fund raiser of the "Feed the Starving of India" Society.....maybe. Or in one of those Dominic Lapiere movies that tend to concentrate heavily on the destitutes of our country. But not in a movie. Can make one lose his/her appetite.

However, what made this experience even more hilarious were the two trailers shown in the interval - "Indian babu" and "OM - The Ultimate Power". Both seemed to be movies on which a lot of money was spent, what with foreign locales, and even foreign extras dancing in wedding songs. "OM - The Ultimate Power" had the cheesiest dialogue of them all.

Sidey gunda: Abey tu hai kaun?
Sidey dude playing the lead: Teri nafrat se bhara hai mera rom rom...Mera naam hai...OM

The effect these trailers had on the three of us was to convince us that if these blokes can make movies, so can we. We immediately started working on the screenplay of our movie, which will be a spoof on Hindi films of the 90's. The movie will be titled -


* to be pronounced in Bambaiyya accent.

Pushkar, Sunil and I hold the copyrights of this screenplay, so anyone foolish enough to actually want to plagiarise this should prepare themselves for a long drawn court case. ;-)

Here is the first scene of "Picchur - The Philim" -

Scene 1

The camera pans across a huge hara bhara khet in apna Punjab. Some typical Punju-pop music is playing in the background, maybe Jassi, Bhupi or some such bi-syllabic creature. There are no birds over the field at all. The total absence of bird is very important for the scene.
Cut to a house near the field, where a moustachioed dude is standing, wearing a white kurta-pajama. This is Bhagoda Singh, a guy who is pretending to be on vacation in Punjab, because his grocery shop in an inconsequential Canadian town is in the red.

He announces to a lado/rajjo/billo (name has to end with an 'o') - "Oye, main khet mein kabootaron ko daana daalney jaa raha hoon."

Having said this, he picks up a huge sack, and trudges to the field. He reaches a clearing, where one sees a lot of grain spilled all over the ground. Bhagoda beams at the grain, for some reason, then puts the sack down. he opens the sack, puts a hand in an takes out a white pigeon!! He flings this ill-looking pigeon at the grain, saying "Jaao". The pigeon hits the ground with a thud, and moodily pecks at the grain.

Bhagoda keeps taking pigeons out of his sack, flinging them at the grain, and enthusiastically saying, "Jaao, jaao, jaao".

Bhagoda looks very happy. The pigeons do not share his rosy outlook towards the situation.

End of scene 1.