Bhau, What does alcohol mean, Bhau? by P.L. "PuLa" Deshpande

Have been too busy to translate one of PuLa's longer essays. So i thought I'd translate this funny bit from his Varyavarchi Varaat. It is about two kids discussing alcohol. The scene takes place when PuLa is the Chief Guest at some function in a school. "Bhau" means brother in marathi. It pokes fun at the lame-ass moralistic performances that school kids are forced to put on. The original is, of course, way better. Especially when performed by PuLa, talking like a little kid, sniffling and struggling through a supposedly runny nose. But even the script is cute enough to enjoy, even when translated.

After a while, it was time for the "entertaining and moralistic dialogs" by school kids. I have no idea who gets entertained or even moralized by those dialogs. But anyway, Master Kishore and Master Arun, ages respectively 8 years and 6 years, took the stage. To carry out the dialog that was entertaining and moralistic. I am sure the whole thing had probably been written by one of their teachers. The subject of that dialog was "Alcohol". This is how it went.

Arun: Bhau (brother), what does alcohol mean, Bhau?

Kishore: It is a type of beverage.

Arun: What does beverage mean, Bhau?

Kishore: Little brother, what we drink is called as a beverage.

Arun: What do we call what we eat then, Bhau?

Kishore: Tchah. You ask some really silly questions, little brother. Alcohol is a sort of an inkstocticating beverage.

Arun: So alcohol means milk, is that so, Bhau?

Kishore: Negative, little brother, negative. There is as much difference between milk and alcohol as between sky and land, little brother. Alcohol is a sort of an inkstocticating beverage.

Arun: What does inkstocticating mean, Bhau?

Kishore: When a person, after drinking it, ok, after drinking it, keps blabbering blabbering blabbering on and on and on, that is what is called inkstocticating, little brother.

Arun: So you mean our mother, Bhau?

Kishore: Negative, little brother, negative. I am telling you, alcohol is a sort of an inkstocticating beverage. When a man, after drinking it, ok, after drinking it, just keeps yelling expletives at others, and starts hitting people without reason, that is what is called inkstocticating, little brother.

Arun: So you mean our teacher, Bhau?

Kishore: Negative, little brother, absolutely negative! How should I now explain you this, little brother? I am very very... I am very very... nomplussed now. When a person, after drinking it ok, can not remember in the... in the afternoon what he said morning.. and who can not control anything he says, that is what is called inkstocticating. Ok?

Arun: Alright, Bhau. So you mean like our politicians, Bhau?

Kishore: Negative, negative! What can I do now? I have no way to explaining you. What can I do? Alcohol is an inkstocticating beverage. Some times it is like, you know, red in color. And often times also, it can be also golden in color. And soda can be put to it and dranked, alright?

Arun: Oh, so Bhau, why didn't you just say "whiskey", Bhau? Alcohol is whiskey?

Kishore: Huh? How do you know about whiskey, little brother?

Arun: Our father has a bottle of whiskey hidden in his closet. And often, he sends me to the shop to buy soda for him. Do you want to see the whiskey, Bhau?

Kishore: Yes, little brother.

Arun: Then come with me. No, from that side of the stage, like teacher said.