Vantage point

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Another excerpt from the widely popular pages of the "Daily Some Achaar"(lip-smacking news that you can preserve)


Allahabad - After re-writing the history of India, researchers from the Allahabad University have cracked another case. This time they have managed to explain the ideas of Hitler in a completely new light.

Professor E. T. Haas, a German who has been in Allahabad for a short research stint, held a press conference to make this sensational revelation on Friday.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have come here to tell you the truth about Hitler." said Prof Haas. "A huge misconception needs to be cleared."

He went on to tell the scribes assembled that sometime in the early 1930s, Hitler was troubled because he had a problem of lice. Yes, lice, those tiny pesky creatures that inhabit unfortunate human heads. The Feuhrer would spend the whole night scratching. He tried various methods, but could not get rid of the lice. As a result, the lice soon spread, and soon the whole Nazi party had the same affliction.

Soon the whole German nation was scratching its head. The nation's productivity was hit, and it started descending into economic recession. Hitler decided that the best way to make Germany strong was to get rid of the lice.

He sent for his personal secretary, an attractive expatriate of Indian origins, Fraulein Zara C Yedee, whom he had taken a fancy to some months back. Zara was of a questionable intellect and her looks were the only reason Hitler had kept her as his secretary. He dictated to her a message which she was to convey to all the arms of the government.

It went - "The main obstacle in the path of Germany's progress are lice. In fact wherever there are lice in the world, there is a problem. All the lice in Germany need to be exterminated. That is the final solution. The German state must dedicate itself to eradication of lice." (translated to English)

Miss Yedee, however, was a bit weak in German. She did not understand the meaning of the German word "L�use", i.e "lice", and decided to ask her uncle. The dialogue went -

Zara: Chachajee, L�use ka kya matlab hai?

Uncle: L�use ka matlab hai "joo"

Zara(puzzled): Joo?

Uncle: Haan beta, joo.

Zara(comprehension dawning belatedly and wrongly): Ohhh, Jew!!!

Zara's dumbness has been mentioned before. She absent-mindedly replaced the word "lice" with "joo" and conveyed the order to everyone.

The rest, as they say is history.

Thus, gentlemen, it is not Hitler who is responsible for the holocaust. It is that Indian girl.

This reporter was the only one present at the press conference when Prof. Haas finished his story.

In another unrelated development, HRD Minister Murli Manohar Joshi today announced his intention to pass a legislation banning the use of the word "joo" to refer to lice in India. He said the association of the word had the potential of hurting the sentiments of Indian jews and the people of Israel, who are very important allies of India. The Ministry would convey the replacement word after deliberations with the Cabinet.