Vantage point

Friday, November 14, 2003

Bluno "Test" Bloonderer

Bluno Bloonderer is one of the most loved characters of tabloid publishers in many galaxies. Featuring a story about him gives their publications a semblance of authenticity, since Bluno's life, though far-fetched, is nonetheless real.

Bluno's story started many years ago on his home planet, D12bar when he was a high-school going boy of 32 (let us not get into the details of the education system on D12bar). The school board decided to document the average intelligence of their students and administered them all an IQ test. Bluno, who was regarded by his mother as an exceptionally brilliant kid, solved all the questions 30 minutes before time, submitted the answer sheet and strolled outside, smug in the confidence that he would be named as a genius.

Imagine his surprise then, when the results came out and his score was the third lowest in a class of 600 (This does not mean that D12bar schools have huge classrooms, it merely means they have smaller students). This shattered Bluno, but the effect it had on his mother was even more devastating. She committed suicide by watching movies of a little known director from the Milky Way, Soobaash Gaayi for an entire day.

Bluno took his mother's death really hard. He remembered that when her corpse was extricated from her room, there was a huge dried blot of blood there (doctors said the blood oozed out when she started biting into her arm in frustration while watching something called "Yarday") in which she had scrawled with her fingernails - "Couldn't Bluno be the smartest on the planet?".

Bluno spent 4 years mourning in the beer bar of the school (again, let us not get into the details of the education system on D12bar) until one day a fight in the bar caused a brainwave to hit him like a heat-sensing missile. A drunkard was complaining to the bartender how expensive the bar was, and the bartender in response said "It is expensive compared to the normal bars. But you should compare it to bars in 11 star hotels, and you will see it is very cheap."

Bluno sat up and said "compared to......relative......YES!! YES!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!". His excitement caused his hair to stick out like spikes, as he ran home. He had found a way to make his mother's dream come true. All he needed was a spaceship with an "All-Galaxies Permit". He bought it from the closest D-mart (their motto - 'we sell everything from a needle to a Spantorian Mammothoid') and set about his mission. Before going he shot off a letter to the leading dailies on D12bar which said

"My fellow D12bar-ians,

I was distressed at being one of the dumbest kids in school, while my mom wanted me to be the smartest kid on the planet. Well, most of you are smarter than me, but then I realised that I was just confining the comparison to our great planet. I have hit upon a 'Theory of Relativity'. It says - Everything is relative, even intelligence. However the universe is infinite. Thus the number of intelligent civilisations in it must also be infinite. Thus, if I look hard enough, I am bound to find a planet where everyone's IQ is lower than mine. You see how brilliant this plan is? Hence I am leaving to explore planets where everyone will have a lower IQ than mine."

For the next few decades, Bluno roamed many galaxies. His methods were simple. He would just land on a planet, catch hold of some natives and administer them an IQ test. If the results showed they were dumber than him, he would have settled down. However the first 367 planets that he visited were all inhabited by people more intelligent than him. However none of them were stronger..........did we omit to mention that the D12bar-ians are the strongest creatures in the known universe (though using Bluno's theory one may argue that if we look hard enough, we will find creatures stronger, but that is besides the point). So wherever Bluno went, he could overpower people into taking the IQ test, universally regarded as a very boring exercise. For years, galaxies were under terror because of Bluno, the guy who just landed on your planet and administered boring long winding IQ tests. But Bluno's search almost always proved futile.

Then just as he was about to give up on this activity and return home, Bluno landed on this little blue-green planet which went around an insigificant yellow sun in the unfashionable western arm of the Milky Way. He administered the test to some natives there, and found that their IQs were abysmally low. He was elated, since this meant he would probably be the smartest guy on this planet. However since the backward people of this planet had not made extra-terrestrial contact, he would have to relinquish his body and start living as one of them entering the body of some earthling.

One of the people he carried out the test on seemed like a nice chap. He had the lowest IQ among them, and his hair stood up, like Bluno's. When Bluno had noted their professions, the man had said he was a clerk in the patents office. Bluno extinguished the light of life in his body and replaced him.

"OK, mom, I am now the smartest guy on this planet" he thought "I will teach these people my theories, my ideas. Your dream will come true, momma.