Vantage point

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

What is Michael Higgins' Job?

What do you get when you read this post and a few other posts from the same blog just minutes after having watched Syriana? You get a post which follows.

I am fully and utterly convinced that Michael Higgins works for the CIA!

The guy just knows too much about India. OK, his wife is an Indian, and he is a smart guy who loves to read a lot, but still! I am sure that by knowing so much about a country other than his own, he is breaking some law in America. Yet he isn't being arrested. Why? Because like James Bond has license to kill, CIA folks have the license to know about other countries. So while any other American might get put away for at least 7 years for knowing the capitals of more than 3 foreign countries, Michael, being in the CIA can know the life history of Piyush Chawla and yet enjoy immunity.

An American writing a blog post about Piyush Chawla, whom hardly any Indians themselves had heard about? An American writing about how to make good upma?


Chicken tikka masala, maybe. Tandoori chicken, maybe. Mulligatawny soup, maybe. But upma? Something is rotten here and I am not referring to the stale ravaa.

Also notice the convenient timeline. Michael tells us how in 1996 he was clueless about cricket. Since cricket knowledge forms a huge part of knowing about India, it means he didn't know much about India. Yet here we are in 2006 and Michael is organising esi bloggers meets while thinking about cooking upma for Piyush Chawla! So what happened in the interim?

You may say it was his devotion to his Indian wife. But he himself says that his wife hasn't seen a cricket match in the last 10 years. What then caused this sudden surge in his interest about India?

The answer dear reader, lies in 1998!

On a hot summer day, the Americans noticed that the ground beneath Rajasthan shook considerably. What was first thought of as an earthquake turned out to be a full fledged nuclear test!! The CIA was red-faced, Bill Clinton was red-faced, and they asked for Michael.

"Your wife is an Indian right?" CIA Chief asked
"Umm yes" Michael replied
"And you still didn't know that India would conduct nuclear tests?" Clinton yelled

Michael's face also went red, an effect that he admits persists to this day.

Michael is thus a CIA agent. Maybe he heads their India desk. His job is to align the events in India with American interests. He has even boasted about how he trapped the Commie Messiah Prakash Karat in an embarassing situation. Who are the biggest enemies of the Commies? CIA of course! Who would be more motivated to make a commie go red in the face than a red-faced CIA agent?

I could go on and on and give more evidence but I think I have sufficiently proven what Michael is. Here is the clinching evidence -

Which state does Michael live in? Virginia.
Which state is the CIA headquartered in? Virginia!

This proves beyond doubt that Michael Higgins works for the CIA (though he faces a bitch of a commute from Fairfax to Langley).

Now that I have outed a CIA agent, I may not live to see tomorrow's rising sun. I may be terminated with extreme pride...I mean prejudice. In recognition of my sacrifice, I request Prakash Karat to go red in the face for 1 minute.