Vantage point

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Why India was spared from Che's terror

In light of the recent Naxal violence, people will be glad to know that India almost became a battle ground for the horrible Che Guevara when he decided to come to our country. But he didn't stay. Why? Read on to find out.

This is what happened when the world famous bandit, murderer and terrorist Che Guevera visited Bombay.

He was first greeted by a Gujarati officer at the immigration counter. The Gujarati, for some reason, thought aapro Ernsto looked Gujju. So he started off -

GO: Jai Sri Krishna
CG: (silent)
GO: What your name? naam su che?
CG: Che
GO: Su che?
CG: Che
GO: Are baba naam su che???? What is name?
CG: Che Guevara?
GO: Che Guevara? Naam Guevara Che?
CG: No No, first Che
GO: Line maa first hi che (The officer assures Che he is first in line). Naam su che?
CG: Che

Gujarati officer gets a bit weary of this all, and notices he is due for a coffee break. He gestures to the next window and CG goes there. This is a Maharashtrian officer who thinks Guevara looks very Marathi. Meanwhile a co-traveller tells Che that "che" in Gujarati is a form of the verb "to be". So he should say "che" twice when he tells his name.

MO: Haan, naav saanga. Name?
CG: Che che
MO: Che che? Aaho naav saanga na.
CG: Che che
MO: Arre? Mee kaay chaha vichaartoy ka tumhala? che che mhantaay te? naav saanga.
CG: Che che.... Guevara
MO: aaho vara kuthla? ani kasli guha? naav sangta ki nahi? Tell name.
CG: Che che

The Marathi officer feels a slight throbbing in his head. He decides to take an early break and directs him to another officer. This one is from Delhi and speaks only Hindi. Needless to say, he thinks Guevara too is from the land where Hindi is spoken. By now Guevara has realised that saying his name twice caused more problems than saying it once. He decides to say it with a bit of affection to ensure cooperation.

HO: Haanji, kaun ho aap?
CG: (affectionately) Che
HO: Che? Aap to akele ho. Baaki kahan hai?
CG: (getting more affectionate) Che
HO: Arre baaprey! Woh waala che? Beech ka?
CG: (deciding that saying his name twice again might help) Che che
HO: (feeling distinctly homophobic) Dugna Che? Baaprey!

He too decides to take a premature coffee break, and now the immigration counter is without any officers. Che Guevara decides that a country where people can't go beyond his name, is probably not one where he can run his revolution-type-business. He does an about turn, and goes back to Cuba.