Vantage point

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

Punjabi songs, or Bhangra Pop is getting so so irritating now. It looks like there are more Bhangra Pop artistes than farmers in Punjab nowadays. Anyone with a little more than a few thousand bucks seems to be rushing off to the corner-da-music-label and coming up with an album. And my, do those songs suck bigtime!!!

I happen to know why all this started. In the 1980's Khalistani terrorists killed a lot of Indians and generally made life miserable for us. But then one ISI-trained terrorist had a brainwave. He ordered all terrorists to leave the path of violence forthwith. They had just discovered a much more potent tool to torture the Indian nation. The Bhangra Pop artist. Hence the early 90s saw the violence in Punjab subside and millions of Punjabi singers emerge.

Becoming a Punjabi artist is very easy. You dont even have to be Punjabi for it. Just follow the steps listed below and wait for the 'Grammeen Award', given annually by the Punjab Rural Music Assoc.

Step 1: The lyrics. Throw in a lot of 'kudis', 'mundas', 'dil', 'sadde' , 'twadde', 'billoo', 'akhhaan', and other such words and for good measure have the chorus yell "Punjaaaabi" as if there is any doubt. The lyrics dont have to make any sense syntactically or semantically as long as they are flexible enough to be moulded into a 'phadakti' tune. A liberal helping of onomatopoeias (if thats thw ord i am looking for) is also required- like 'balle balle', 'tote tote', 'lakkha lakkha' etc.

Step 2: The Music. Lots of drums and trumpets is all that one needs. Those 'jhankaar' beats would do as well. Try to flinch off as much folk music as you can.

Step 3: The Video: Now this is the most important aspect of making it big as a bhangra pop artist.
3a. Get a dozen girls with decent figures and dress them in the minimal of clothing. The dance steps should be such that they ensure maximum simple harmonic motion. Energy is preserved and at times, even created.
3b. Get one tall slutty female who will have a frown on her face and whom you (the artist) will lust after even after the shooting of the video is done. To cut on costs, tell her to get the dress she wore at her 4th borthday. Then alter it to make it shorter and give it to her to sashay in.
3c. Get the latest 'Nerolac Colours Manual' and pick out the least ordered colours from it. Give these to the tailor and tell him to make sure you clothes also have gloss.
3d. Borrow a turban from Navjyot Sidhu.
3e. Write an inane storyline for the video which has nothing to do with the song. Remember to emulate the hand actions of Kumble, Murali and Warne when you dance.
3f. Shoot the video.

This having been done, approach some struggling channels like b4u, musicasia, etc. (pun intended) who will take a large amount from you to pollute the airwaves with your drivel. But oh well, it's for a cause isn't it?

And that is how you become a Punjabi artist. Here are some lyrics I have written in case you want to make it big and get a 'Grameen Award'-

Kudi naal tus mus naidi hona dil mera
Kar wange akkhan twaddi dil wich dhak dhak
Munde sang sadde sadde tote tote chal billoo
Changa lage har twadda tuk tuk tuk tuk

I obviously expect royalty.