Vantage point

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Who Sucked Least

Observing the couple of months leading up to the US Midterm elections was a bit like watching an India-West Indies cricket match. Both sides trying to outdo each other in stupidity. In the end the person who fails at sucking, wins. The Democrats weren't quite as thorough in their efforts to lose, and ended up winning the house as a result.

In an India-West Indies match, the batsmen will have a mix up and be at the same end. And the fielders will fail to take the bails off. Or a batsman will unnecessarily sky the ball, and the fielder will drop a lolly. Or the batting team will go slow enough to make the runrate mount up. And the fielding team will bowl a few no balls for good measure.

Something similar happened here. The headliner was of course Mark Foley. News of his fetish for under-age boys becomes public. How stupid is Mark Foley? If he likes young male flesh, why did he enter politics? He could have taken up a job where such things are commonplace, and just become a catholic priest. But no, he insists on being a politician and lands another egg on the Republican's already gooey face.

Then of course, there was another confused Republican. Don Sherwood. Of all the idiotic things he could do, he beat up his mistress. This is what happens when conservatives start dabbling in the Bohemian domain. They get the rules mixed up. Sherwood forgot that wives are for beating, not mistresses. What is the point of having a mistress if you waste your time beating her up? Lesson for all politicians with mistresses. Stick to beating and mistreating her. And if at all you feel like doing something to a woman who isn't your wife, kill her off. Dead girlfriends tell no tales. Ask Ted Kennedy.

Of course, the Democrats felt very uneasy at all these suicidal attempts by the Republicans. They felt the need to match them, and so John Kerry went ahead and called the army guys dumb. Nice way to respond to allegations of being unsupportive of troops.

Then there was Democrat Jim Webb who has written contentious novels which supposedly demean women. Of course he didn't have to worry. His opponent George Allen thought it prudent to call Webb's staff members Macaca. Nothing pulls in the minority votes like a good racial slur.

A couple of days before the election, everyone was expecting the Republicans to pull some rabbit out of the bag, some expose which will boost their prospects. All they managed to do was orchestrate the announcement of Saddam's death sentence, which didn't exactly electrify voters the way they would have expected. Asking Musharraf to send over Osama would have been a better idea.

So after an endless series of self-goals and hit-wickets, finally the Democrats managed to suck less and win the House. The Senate is still undecided with a recount for the last seat looking imminent. But a Democrat House with George Bush as President promises fun times ahead. I suspect Bush will have to whip out his veto gun every few minutes like a Texan cowboy who finds himself in a town not big enough for him and his opponent.